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19-Year Confessional

my diary

A look back at old journal confessions. Sometimes, I picked the first sentence of an entry. Sometimes, I didn’t. Sometimes, all I could find was a song lyric.

1994: I scratch my head while I wonder how I feel about my life.

1995: My heart had just stopped breaking and now it feels like someone stole a piece from it.

1996: I just cannot figure it out.

1997: Days are flying by.

1998: I wish I weighed 10 pounds less.

1999: Now it’s just me.

2000: Paul’s dog was at work and pulled a tampon out of my bag in front of him and Julien.

2001: I cried tonight. Deep heavy sighs.

2002: No spark or chemistry, but man is he hot.

2003: Found a great apartment with a rooftop deck.

2004: God damn I was pathetic pre Prozac.

2005: [crickets]

2006 to 2007: Please reference my memoir. It’s all in there. More than you could ever possibly want to know.

2008: I AM SO MAD. I am mad about being mad.

2009: I am happy. I have not been this happy in as long as I can remember. I’m jumping out of my skin.

2010: You don’t know that I wear bloomers to bed.

2011: Because hope springs eternal.

And a stream of thoughts from 2012:

I miss how I used to be. [5/7/2013: Hey self -- REALLY?]

It’s up to me to find pleasure in the process. (Hardest thing I’ve ever done.)

I wish I had control over my hips.

I am peaceful and I am ferocious.

{ 5 comments… add one }

  • I love this!!!:) I have been having similar thoughts in paticular
    ” I miss how I used to be” and “I am peaceful and I am ferocious”
    You are an amazing writer and really motivate me to write:)


  • I still can’t figure out what I meant by “i miss how i used to be.” Though clearly these entries were only the shadows of those 19 years. I never really wrote when I was HAPPY!

  • Aren’t we all, on the inside, still a little 19?

  • Pretty much completely 19. Sometimes 5. On my best day, 10. 10 was a good age.

  • 2012: It was a DDD, but man is she hot!

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