That guy Justin Halpern, who did the Sh*t My Dad Says twitter feed (turned best-selling book turned TV show), just published a collection of essays about dating. The book is called I Suck at Girls. As you can imagine, it’s about how he sucks at girls (and dating). You should read it because it is hilarious. You should also go see him next Wednesday, June 6 at Sixth & I Historic Synagogue in DC where he will talk about the book, dating and probably some sh*t about his dad.
WIN 2 TICKETS + 1 COPY OF THE BOOK. Just be the first person to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
I got to ask him all about girls and his new tome in advance of this appearance, and I approve of the dating advice dispensed below. For more info on tickets to the event, scroll down.
RACHEL: Why were you so clueless about women/dating?
JUSTIN: Well, for one, I was terrified of making a fool of myself. It’s really hard to be good at something when you’re convinced you’re going to fail before you even start. Also, most of my information, I got from 80s movies. Not a great resource.
RM: That depends on the movie. I always thought guys could learn a lot from Kelly LeBrock in Weird Science. No matter. What’s your earliest memory of sucking with girls? Did things change in high school or college or as an adult (for better or worse)?
JH: I wanted to impress a girl in my elementary school so I drew a picture of a dog pooping on her head because I thought she’d think it was funny. She did not. I was sent to the principal’s office. I got a little better in high school and college, but I was really shy. Some people thought I didn’t speak English because of how little I spoke.
RM: Ha! That totally reminds me of standing at the bus stop when I was five years old and having this kid Liam chase me around with a branch that he’d dipped in dog poop. My mom told me he liked me but didn’t know how to show it. I love that dog poop is a universal prop for showing affection. Despite the canine fecal emoting, clearly you did something right – you got married last year. What changed and when? Was there a moment you knew that this was it?
JH: I think I finally became okay with being alone, and when that happened, I didn’t operate from a place of fear. I was much more confident, and to be honest, my wife is uber confident and didn’t put up with any of my neurotic bullshit.
RM: What was the best advice your dad (or mom) ever gave you about dating and/or women?
JH: My dad told me to never listen to anyone who ever gave me advice on women. He said each woman is different, and when you try and generalize three billion people, you’re being an f-ing idiot. I think that helped me try and take each relationship on a case-by-case basis.
RM: Your dad is pretty f-ing brilliant. Speaking of which, Sh*t My Dad Says is all your dad. I Suck At Girls is all you. How does it feel to lay bare your private life?
JH: It’s fine until I do book readings in front of people. Then it’s embarrassing. I mean, my dad is still very present in this book, so I get to hide behind him a bit still.
RM: That is, indeed, the rub with writing about your dating life – all that vulnerability. Everybody knows your sh*t. Why was writing about girls/dating the next logical step for you?
JH: I’m not sure if it’s logical. We shall see. I just wanted to write something that I felt compelled to write. I didn’t want to force an idea, and this seemed to come naturally. If I came out with “MORE SHIT MY DAD SAYS” I would have wanted to punch myself in the face.
RM: Speaking of self flagellation, I hear from a lot of people who tend to beat their heads against a wall because they are mystified/perplexed/driven to madness by the opposite sex. If men and women could do one thing different to make dating easier what would it be?
JH: I think for me, it would be to at least try and believe that I was worthy of being dated. I like people that are self-deprecating, but I was so much so that it probably just made women feel like they were dating a total loser. No one wants to feel like that.
RM: Truth. If you could go back and talk some sense into your younger dating self, what would you tell you?
JH: Think about what you have to offer someone in a relationship, and believe that it’s worth something. Even if it isn’t. Basically I’m saying I would tell myself “LIE TO YOURSELF, MORE.”
Amen Justin. A-men.