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How to turn off the ladies: Stupid things lonely guys say.

Overheard the other day on Columbia Road right by the McDonald’s (as quoted from a guy in red plastic shades and a striped tee who clearly thought he should be in Brooklyn not Adams Morgan):

“I appreciate romanticism but movies take it to a level that’s just no good.”

OR (and I’m not sure which is accurate because even though I was practically walking on his heels to listen in, I just couldn’t hear. Because I old.)

“I appreciate romanticism but movies take it to a level that I just can’t do.”

Red Shades was saying this to his Yes-man and some chick who my manfriend thought Red Shades was trying to impress. I thought for sure he was trying to repel said chick because, um, of what he said. I certainly appreciated his candidness, but this is clearly an example of what not to say when trying to score.

Some rules:

1. Never admit shortcomings, even if it means you’re just saying you’re human. Go with what you can do.

2. Never say that there’s too much romanticism to a girl you want to do something with other than swap baseball cards. We all know it’s true but these are not wooing words.  This is a cold shower. She will go home and complain about guys in general because you said this. Don’t do it. Instead, how about “You are pretty. Let’s go on a date.”

3. Take off red plastic shades, throw to ground with a flourish, jump on heavily three times. Grunt for good measure. Dispose of remnants properly.

The exception to the rule:  Justin Halpern. You know, the Sh*t My Dad Says dude. This is the title of his new book: I Suck At Girls. He is allowed to admit shortcomings and say this. Why? Because we all know he is getting laid. And Jimmy Kimmel has his back. For some reason this is sexy.

 

{ 9 comments… add one }

  • hitherto May 17, 2012, 1:02 pm

    “For some reason this is sexy.”
    …girls are stupd.

  • Rachel May 17, 2012, 2:11 pm

    And there it is.

  • william May 17, 2012, 7:57 pm

    So what you’re saying is, I should not tell a woman who has piqued my interest that I have a small penis and routinely reach climax in about the same amount of time it takes a souped-up sports car to go from zero to 60?

  • Rachel May 17, 2012, 8:32 pm

    You gotta do what you gotta do. I will reiterate that you should stick with the positive. If leading with this is all you got, then by god, go for it. Maybe add on to the climax part something like “but I will do whatever it takes to get you off, too.” When the right women comes along, she will latch on for dear life because you are so effing honest. But no. You really shouldn’t say that. At least not until the 3rd date.

  • william May 17, 2012, 9:47 pm

    Honestly, what attractive, accomplished, go-getting woman in the prime of her life wouldn’t find a guy with a miniature peen an ideal companion? I mean, seriously, I thought honesty was important to women; I know I find women who are brutally honest very attractive. I also find moderately (seemingly?) gullible women who dispense advice quite interesting and therefore quite attractive. Know anybody like that? *wink, wink*

  • Rachel May 18, 2012, 1:50 pm

    We’re all know we’re kidding and joshing here right? Except maybe “hiterto.” He/she just seems pissed. But I can’t help with that.

  • Andrew July 15, 2012, 3:25 am

    Things stupid lonely guys don’t say, based on real-life missed opportunities.
    ~ May I walk you to the subway station?
    ~ How do you like your eggs?
    ~ Let’s swap storm stories; may I call you?

  • Rachel July 16, 2012, 2:03 pm

    Ooooo these are good! I want you to use one in a sentence this week. (A sentence to a female that is!)

  • Philip August 31, 2012, 5:22 am

    I’d disagree with the ‘never admit shortcomings’ part. In the context of ‘wooing’ and trying to impress someone, you might as well make comparisons to job interviews. It’s okay to admit weaknesses and short-comings as long as they aren’t relevant for the ‘boyfriend position’. Telling someone Newt Gingrich busts smoother moves on the dance floor than you do is perfectly okay if your potentially future significant other hasn’t seen the inside of a club since the great depression.

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