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Why is he STILL texting?

So you went out with a guy. It was a good date. Maybe even great. It’s time for a second date. You have a little trouble nailing it down because hey, you’re both busy, important people. But you set a date. And then he cancels. That night. “Work is busy.” Fine. Now you’re having trouble rescheduling. It’s not happening. He’s still busy.

Fine. You get it. He’s just not that into you.

But then. Then he keeps texting. Not to set a date. Just to say hi, see what’s up, maybe wondering what color underwear you have on. Is he testing the waters? You respond back. You let him know you’re still interested. But nope. Nothing. No dates. Just texts. Of the Malaysian pen pal variety (read: you will never, ever see each other). Day after day. You’re mildly amused. And then irritated. Then confused. But you have nothing else going on, so…

Sound familiar? Wondering what it all means?

To be frank, I have no fucking clue. And I just can’t be bothered with analyzing the why of it all, because I find that sometimes with dudes, it just is. And I don’t understand that because in Lady Land, there is always a reason and ulterior motive.

But since one of you lovely readers emailed me and asked “WTF?” (Specifically: “Do some men just have a really difficult time making up their minds?! Do they even THINK at all? Or just act? I don’t get it…”), I will give you my best guest as to why he’s still texting. Hold please, while I turn off the emotional reasoning side of my brain, because when it comes to dating, sometimes it’s just business.

Guys like to have an option or two in their back pocket. I call them Back Pocket Girls (BPG). I’ve been one. A couple of times. He wants to have someone around just in case, but he’s just not into making the date or, in general, committing to anything more than short bursts of brain circuitry that can be fit into 200 characters or less (or however long text messages are allowed to be these days on phones.)

If you find yourself in this situation, I would worry less about what he’s thinking and ask yourself if you’re down with his cellular advances that, most likely, won’t go anywhere. (Sorry. Like I said. I’ve been the BPG. I’ve seen what happens.) It’s OK if you also want to have someone in your back pocket. Sometimes it’s interesting … until it’s not. Buuuuut if you want something more, you have a couple choices:

1. Call him on it. Tell him if he wants to make a plan, fine, but none of this texting business. You’re not besties. F that.

2. Block his number and move on to someone who likes to talk. In person. On a date. Like an adult.

Boom. Just like that.

{ 47 comments… add one }

  • CD September 28, 2011, 5:39 am

    Thanks Rachel for addressing this issue, I thought I was the only one that this was happening to! I told a guy recently that we shouldn’t talk anymore because he apparently doesn’t have the time to do anything but text. Never heard from him again. This was actually one guy of three that I recently met on Match that wanted a “texting only” relationship. I cancelled my account and have given up on online dating after only 6 months. Do you think that online dating attracts men who don’t want to be in a “real” relationship? Is it insecurity?

  • susan September 28, 2011, 7:14 am

    oh yes how well I know what it is like to be the contingency plan. In my experience it usually puts me in the between-the-past-and-the-future girls.
    But on the other hand, dumb stoopid girls that we are, we reply to those same texts…thus reassuring mr-i’mnotthatintoyoubutmaybeifnothingbetterisaroundi’llthinkabout it that we might, just might be available when it suits him.
    I don’t get it either. Especially the bit about why we put up with that rubbish.
    I have a new line: Thanks, but I actually already have enough friends.

  • LR June 10, 2013, 9:02 am

    I’ve had the exact same experience. Really nice guy, he would go out of his way to keep me happy – text wise … but couldnt make the time to actually see me. What???
    So after three weeks I called him on it and have since ceased contact. I’m a little hurt and heartsore but what Susan said is so true: I have enough friends!

  • Melissa September 28, 2011, 4:40 pm

    This is EXACTLY what I’m dealing with… he canceled a date 2 weeks ago and still hasn’t rescheduled but will text just to chat. I don’t get it!!!

  • Miss Procras September 28, 2011, 5:45 pm

    Comforting to know I’m not the only one who has encountered text-fiends, but discouraging that there are so many text-fiends out there. I think your analysis is dead-on. I detest texting to begin with, so I’m will be following your suggestions on how to deal with this behavior from here on out. Thanks!

  • Bridgitte Brown September 28, 2011, 6:15 pm

    Forrrr the loooovveee: I’m so glad this isn’t just me. What in the hell?! Stop wasting my time texting me if you aren’t interested. It’s exhausting and it feels like a game. No.bueno.

  • Zack September 28, 2011, 9:27 pm

    I think this is basically right, as an explanation. But I feel like this cries out for a man’s take. Why not ask one of your numerous male friends? We’d be very happy to weigh in!

  • LR June 10, 2013, 9:04 am

    Please weigh in :)
    It was my man friend that put it into perspective for me and led to me calling it a day.

  • brady September 28, 2011, 10:24 pm

    This is happening to a friend of mine. As a guy, I don’t fully understand this behavior either. If he’s interested, he’ll make plans. Plain and simple. In the meantime, stop replying to idiots like this because you’re just encouraging it! ;)

  • LC September 28, 2011, 10:31 pm

    If someone wants to see you, they’ll see you. I’m not really understanding the mystery behind the guy who texts you and doesn’t see you. Duh he’s keeping you as plan B. Obvi.

  • MJ September 28, 2011, 10:35 pm

    Bahahaha. I already knew this was an issue with other women (I’m the one who wrote to Rachel about this), but the resounding chorus is still reassuring. Yet…yet…GUYS ARE STILL DOING IT. Do they not get we are on to them? Are they just hoping this will work with some women none-the-less? I really want to start teaching a “texting for dating” class with men. Just to clear up some lingering inconsistencies. I mean…the guy in this story was 45!! 45!! So, it’s not like it goes away with age. Pfffft.

  • LC September 28, 2011, 11:59 pm

    …I think they know you’re onto them, but this particular breed doesn’t care. You bust him for using you as a plan B and the situation remains unchanged on his side. He never really invested anything in you in the first place, right? I think women need to just need to move along. If you find something frustrating, irritating or just plain stupid about a guy you just started dating, what’s the point in sticking around? Gluttons for punishment perhaps?

  • Matt September 29, 2011, 1:02 am

    So which one of you ladies would like to go out on a date? I’m 24 and can only seem to find the girls of his variety….

  • Kay September 29, 2011, 12:42 pm

    Texting in the dating context is for telling your date you’re running late or you at the restaurant, etc. You know, logistics. Not whole conversations. And as my friend Randy says, “the phone using it’s voice capabilities is for asking a gal out…”. I try to avoid using text for conversations. Keeping everything short and efficient.

    And I’ve met and know people who have met online and had ltr success. So hang in there. Cast the net far and wide and just have fun.

  • MJ September 29, 2011, 3:57 pm

    For the record, I *didn’t* reply at all once he canceled. I DID move on.(Yet, the texts continued…unreplied to…for over two weeks.) But, I’m still annoyed by the prevalence of men out there who now consider texting an acceptable, respectable and unlimited form of communication. Annoyed, that is, in a “this is fun to speculate on but I wouldn’t take it too seriously” sort of way. Sometimes, I just wonder what happened to common decency and respect in the at-large public. Texting etiquette is still a burgeoning field.

    Matt- You’re right though…I’m sure there are chicks out there pulling this crap, too.

  • Marybeth October 3, 2011, 6:17 pm

    Hi, Rachel! Thanks for this! I have a guy who I met online who REFUSES to call me – ONLY text! I even ask him “Can you give me a call sometime to compare schedules to see when we can meet up?” Nothing…. until a week later when he texts me AGAIN to see if I am free as he “really” wants to meet me in person. If he REALLY wants to meet me in person he would be a man, pick up the phone, and ask me out (or at least check my schedule) like a proper human being. ‘Nuff said!

  • Dennis Hong October 4, 2011, 11:45 am

    Ahem. Hello.

    Women do this, too.

  • Rachel October 6, 2011, 1:15 pm

    Damn. You guys had a lot to say about this! I’m going to write about texting all the time. In text language – what’s it called again? Heh. And I respond:

    CD: Did they really say that? “I want a ‘texting only’ relationship’?” It’s cowardly. And bizarre. I imagine online dating attracts more of that bc some people who don’t like engaging in social settings find online dating easier to navigate. And maybe they don’t need much out of a relationship. Texting only is safe I suppose. But really??

    Susan: I’m not a fan of the OBO (or better offer) deal at all. And you’re right, less about why men or women do that to each other and more about why I or you or anyone decides it’s ok to put up with.

    Melissa: You are fierce.

    Miss P: I do believe all bad behavior comes to a halt when it ceases to be rewarded. This works on my cat. Sometimes.

    BB: It is a game. If it were a board game, what would it be called? That would be a hilarious board game!

    Zack: We are indeed crying out for a man’s take! All my man friends just say “He’s a D, don’t text back.” In so many words. Do you have the answer?? Please. Tell.

    Brady: Right on. RIGHT ON.

    LC: Plan B also = the morning after pill. Both bad situations.

    MJ: ok so the continual texting even at a more advanced life stage reminds me of my cat jumping up on the bed. every morning. at 5am. and i push him down. and he gets back up. and i push him down. and he gets back up. get the picture? some people never get it. (p.s. when this goes on too long, i lock my cat in the bathroom. so maybe we should start doing that with our phones. or the offending man.)

    Matt: Any takers? If so, we’ll need a FAD or DDD ASAP.

    Kay: Best advice ever: “Cast the net far and wide and just have fun.” Thank you.

    MJ: Fierce.

    Marybeth: You tell him! I believe the correct text response for anyone who doesn’t want to be texted anymore is “F txting.”

    Dennis: Yep. We do. But why aren’t men complaining? Is it because they know to move on and not encourage it if it makes them feel unwanted? Or is it bc they are ok with someone in the background they can text with from time to time with no strings? And I ask that not in an Eddie Haskel sort of way.

  • jennifer October 23, 2011, 2:35 pm

    Thank you for this article! I just found your blog and I love it…it reassures me to see that other women are going through the same thing as me. I can’t stand texting and I long for human contact, or even voice contact on the phone! I’m so tired and bored with all the text crap!! WHY don’t guys ever want to go out with us in person?

  • Rachel October 24, 2011, 5:30 pm

    Welcome to the block Jennifer! You can dish all you want here. I encourage it. As far as the why of it, I try to transcend that. Like, worry less about why he does something you don’t like and just move on. There are guys out there who will call, text, email and show up. Don’t get stuck in the gutter with the ones who are hiding behind their typepad. They, in a word, suck.

  • Courtney December 13, 2011, 10:54 pm

    I just read your book (it’s like you took pages from my own journals) and today tracked down your blog. I am 40 and never married, no kids, and have been on so many first dates they must reach triple digits at this point but I won’t count them or else I’ll end up crying and drinking myself to sleep.

    I once met a guy online (I think on okcupid.com) and we had an amazing first date, kissed me goodbye and said he definitely wanted to see me again. I did too! I was excited. After the date, we texted or emailed daily which was fine, I was willing to give him time to make plans. After a week passed, I started giving him hints about hanging out. He even came up with suggestions like, “I am going to take you to this one place that makes the BEST mac and cheese.” I would respond that it would be great and just let me know when. “When” never came. He would change the subject and never bring it up again. One night I was out with friends and after a couple of strong cocktails, got the nerve to confront him via text and ask him if he is avoiding seeing me again and if so, to just fess up. He backpedaled and said he definitely does want to see me and soon. Fine. I let the text-fest continue for another couple of weeks and I put it to him again and this time I decided to be the one to make the plan: Let’s go out this weekend, either friday or saturday, your choice. Let me know. I waited for his response. I waited and waited. He finally said, “sounds great!” but no response as to what day. I respond and ask which day he wants to go out. His response? His LAME RESPONSE? He took a photo with his phone of an ice cream sandwich in his freezer (because we both like ice cream) and sent it to me in lieu of words. I flipped out. I texted back a rant that went something like, “Seriously?! An ice cream sandwich? I asked you a clear question and you respond with that?! This is ridiculous, if you don’t want to see me again, what is the point of continually telling me you do and texting me constantly and then avoid it? Ridiculous. If you want to go out, let me know. If not, then see ya.”

    Never heard from him again. He has earned himself the nickname Ice Cream Sandwich. When a guy avoids me and just wants to use texts to blow up my phone so he can get an ego stroke without actually forming a relationship with me, I call it Ice Cream Sandwiching or ICS for short.

    That was 3-4 years ago. Since then, I have met a few other text-fiends like him and currently am wondering if I have just met one. It’s been 4 days since our successful first date and he texts me every day but hasn’t called. Last night I gave him the hint about asking me out on a real date (yes, via text) and he said “it will happen.” Then he changed the subject and said he was eating dinner. How long do I wait for him to make a plan? He is 30 yrs old (10 yrs younger than me) and I wonder if kids his age have different dating rules than dinosaurs like me. I really like this guy, he is the first one I’ve been attracted to since my breakup about 6 weeks ago. I just hope he isn’t giving me an ICS. :(

  • Rachel December 14, 2011, 12:32 am

    Oh girl – though I hate that Ice Cream Sandwich put you through that, I LOVE that you have ICS in your repertoire. It was worth the stupid string along if you ask me. I also love the way you handled it. Took matters in your own hands and called him out – but still remained open to dating should he pull his head out his ass. Give this next one a chance. I definitely do NOT like that he said “it will happen.” This could = dick. But I also don’t like to judge. So. I say you go about your life, go on some more dates, make yourself busy. Guys can smell this in the air and he will seek you out. And if he doesn’t, he’s probably gay (heh). The fact that he’s 30 could be an issue, though I’ve found maturity a problem at all ages. Good luck and keep me posted!

  • Courtney December 14, 2011, 1:55 am

    Thanks so much for your feedback. I’ve been asking advice from everyone I see, the guy folding towels at the gym, the guy stocking beer at Whole Foods, the front desk lady at the vet’s office… everyone! Asking if this guy is just stringing me along for a big fat ICS or is he actually into me and does intend to ask me out. It’s driving me crazy but I don’t want to be psychogirl so I am going to give him a week to figure it out. Friday was our first time meeting in person (we met via the okcupid dating site.) So I will give him a week to ask me out again. If he doesn’t approach me about seeing each other in person by this weekend, I’ll stop responding to his texts and see if going MIA lights a fire under his ass or if he disappears. I will definitely keep you posted!

  • Rachel December 14, 2011, 3:16 pm

    Remember to keep perspective on this too – which can be hard when you keep running into the same damn annoying thing time after time. It was one date. He was great. But you have a fun amazing lovely life with or without him. Which is why I think you should cease all text responses now. Don’t set the precedent that you’re into it. If he wants to go out again, he will ask. If nothing has happened in a few days, then I think you should ask him out. Call, text. Whatever. Don’t fall into the trap of waiting for him!

  • Courtney December 15, 2011, 4:29 am

    Excellent point! This is a great plan.. I am going to stop the textfest and just sit back and see what happens.

  • Courtney December 18, 2011, 1:02 am

    UPDATE:
    Well, I am not sure what is happening, but there hasn’t been much progress. The texting slowed down, in fact he didn’t text me at all one day, but I took the initiative as you suggested. In fact, I had a few glasses of wine and called him. He was super awkward and I ended the conversation after only a few minutes because it was clear that he was not comfortable talking to me. I was going to write him off for good when 20 minutes later, he sent me a text saying, “Sorry I am so terribly, painfully inept.” I said it was ok and then he changed the subject. The next day, we texted a bit, I guess so we could erase the awkwardness of the phone call, and he mentioned how he enjoyed kissing me last week and I said we should do it again sometime. He said, “Verily. Hopefully soon.” I said I hope so too. I put the next part of the plan into action yesterday and texted him and asked him if he had plans this weekend. He said he was working and had to go to his company xmas party. I told him I was going to be at a bar near his gym sat night (tonight) and he should come by and say hi if he is around. He said his xmas party was that night so he can’t. I said, “Sucks you are too busy – let me know when you are free and you want to get together.” His response was, “Always – on the latter notion.” Verily? Latter notion? WHO TALKS THIS? I haven’t heard from him since then. I am guessing that he didn’t ask me out for this weekend because he was already so busy, but most guys I know would at least tell me which days they had off in the future and tried to pencil in some time with me.

    Either he is attracted to me and is acting passive and is hoping that I will make the plans to meet again, or he is giving me a goddamn ice cream sandwich. My tactic right now is to sit back and leave him alone this weekend. We are facebook friends so I have been “checking in” and updating my status frequently to point out that I am going out with friends and generally having a good time staying busy. Monday night I am meeting up with a new okc guy. I am not that interested in him but I am going anyway and following your advice and hoping Jeremy will “smell” that I am out there meeting people and that he should make plans with me. Hoping. God, I hate dating.

  • Courtney December 18, 2011, 1:03 am

    Oops, I meant to say, “WHO TALKS LIKE THIS?” Sigh. I wish there was an edit button.

  • Rachel December 22, 2011, 3:56 pm

    Girl, Not sure what has happened since, but I would say pass on this dude. He does not have his shit together. All over the place. I think the fact remains, based on this email, that he is not locking down a date. And why wait around for someone who isn’t showing that kind of interest? You don’t even know him! How’d the OKC date go?

  • Courtney December 23, 2011, 8:31 pm

    OKC date was ok. The guy was definitely more into me than I was into him. He kind of reminded me of Don Knotts from the movie, “The Incredible Mr. Limpet.” He had the same face. Not good. Yes, perhaps I am too shallow, but it was really hard not to think about that movie the entire time he was talking to me. I declined his offer for a 2nd date.

    The texting has reduced but he continues to “like” my facebook posts or send me a random text now and then asking me how I am. I realize now that I am definitely getting an ICS from him even though just a couple days ago he wrote the phrase, “When I see you next….” Really, dude? In this lifetime?

    What makes it difficult to just drop him from FB and ignore his texts is that I am ridiculously and pathetically lonely, especially with Christmas around the corner. The occasional text from him is the only attention I’m getting from anyone right now so it’s hard to give up at the moment. I also have a not-that-secret hope that when new year’s eve comes around, he might want someone to kiss at midnight and we can get together. It’s a huge longshot and I shouldn’t even want to be with someone who has waited this long already to make a second date, but I am loathe to give up on the tiny crumb of flirting that I have until the holidays are over. So my plan is to leave the door open for a couple more weeks until after Jan.1st. But like your post here stated perfectly, “it’s interesting … until it’s not.”

  • rita September 24, 2012, 5:14 pm

    look ladies, after 4 weeks and they have not taken u out. they are playing the field. move on!!

  • Ann January 25, 2013, 3:15 am

    OMG so glad I came across this! I’m in the middle of this right now with a guy I’ve liked for over 6 months now! I used to see him every day and talk to him, but he had a girlfriend. Once they broke up, he showed much more of an interest in me and even admitted to liking me and openly flirting. Then, once he got a new job and I no longer saw him every day, I added him on Facebook and he gave me his number. We started texting (50% me texting him and 50% him texting me), and I visited him at work when I was in the city he works in. But there’s always that little voice in my head asking where is this going? Is he REALLY interested, or just bored, or rebounding? I’ve brushed it off with excuses-he travels an hour to and from work, he probably doesn’t have time to date ANYONE. But what about his days off when he texts me telling me that he’s hanging out at home? Why can’t HE come and see ME at work? Then there’s the age difference-he’s 10 years older than I am, so I’m sure it’s strictly about a younger female’s attention with him. And he says I’M playing games because of how young I am?? I want to ask him straight out about it-I’m not afraid of what he thinks of me, and have called him out on mixed signals and obvious flirting in the past-but I just hate the fact that that conversation has to happen in writing, on cell phones, without any facial expressions or tone of voice to go with it. And as far as WHY we do this to ourselves, there’s definitely that “well there’s nothing better to do” aspect of it, but let’s face it-there’s a teeny tiny thread of hope that never goes away, even when other people who have gone through the same exact thing tell you how it is and how it’s going to end. Your mom told you not to touch the fire because you’ll get burned, but you had to touch it anyway just to see for yourself.

  • Rachel January 26, 2013, 4:00 am

    But if we’re going to get burned, why don’t we at least choose people who are more interesting? Truly burn-worthy? In retrospect, all of the guys I dated who did this type of thing were B-O-R-I-N-G. And I was B-O-R-E-D. Why can’t we get burned by leader-of-the-pack types? The ones who are dangerous and ride motorcycles (literally or figuratively). You know what I mean? We just waste our time on the lame-Os and nothing works out and there’s not even an interesting story to tell later. Maybe it’s safe. Either way, there is no excuse for this guy’s behavior. I used to commute two hours every day and had plenty of time for the people I wanted to make time for. And shouldn’t this guy be acting 10 years older, not younger? I don’t like him. You deserve better. Empty out his space and leave it open for someone more interesting. Or at least someone who owns a motorcycle or has neck tattoos. (Not to be harsh on ya. I just had some wine, so I feel feisty and protective.)

  • Mia February 9, 2013, 12:00 am

    Rachel. I Met this guy at one of my best friends party. My best friend is marrying his cousin. (Which when the wedding comes around we will both be in the bridal party) When we met I was about 6months out of a relationship and he was recently out of one. We instantly took a liking in eachother. We went on several dates over the next few weeks and he even picked me up a cute “just thought of you gift”. We have a lot in common and things would happen that confirmed the connection we had. After time he started telling me he had work more often, and we started hanging out less and less and now it has been three weeks since we last seen each other. The last time we were soppose to go out he canceled bc he was sick but added that he really wants to go to this particular place we made plans for but we never rescheduled. Everyday he is TEXTING. I get the picture if he really wanted to see me he would. ( Btw his ex moved to a different state ). QUESTION. How should I handle this situation? We have very close mutal friends and we are going to be in the same bridal party. I don’t want to ignore him bc I will be seeing him at certain friend functions. I’m more confused and aggravated then hurt. What do I do? And what should I tell my friend that got us hooked up?

  • Rachel February 11, 2013, 9:26 pm

    Mia: I don’t know exactly how long you dated or how serious it got, but my impression is you were brushing on something that felt great, but didn’t get too far along. So with that in mind, I think you take the high road. (Meaning you don’t have to have a sit down talk about why it’s not working out, because I have a feeling it might have something to do with his recent break up.) Next time he texts, text back with a quick response of “Awesome. I’d still love to check out [name of place] with you. Let me know if you’re free. If not, no worries! I’ll see ya at the wedding festivities in [insert time of year].” You can also be more direct and ask what’s going on. You thought there was a connection, you’d like to see him more. What does he want? Something along those lines. You aren’t asking for much here. And it always seems in these straight-to-texting situations, the one who is getting all the texts but not much else has this sense that she is not allowed to ask for more. Like, by asking to set a time for a date or just to know what the other person is feeling, you are asking for the world. And that might make you needy. You’re not. You just want to know what’s up. I’m also wondering if that perhaps it’s not right for him and maybe he’s texting because he doesn’t know what to do either. Maybe? You’ll never know unless you ask! Also, just because there are friends involved doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be truthful in how you are feeling. The only person who needs to be protected here is you. This is your relationship, not theirs. It’s fine to talk to your friend about it. Sometimes friend set ups don’t work out. That’s just how dating goes. It doesn’t work until it does. Good luck and keep me posted!

  • Hannah February 23, 2013, 6:42 pm

    Finally, I’ve found others in my situation. I am so confused but also really hurt. It’s been 4mths since a string of nights together but after that he was always too busy, with a reasonable and plausible excuse. He said he enjoyed it and he found me attractive. I asked, but he would never gave a straight answer if he was still interested or not. Now, he won’t text first, but will still always reply if I ask a question of some sort – he flirts with me for hours sometimes, and has even led me to believe hed come round … Ive even got all ready and been waiting, just for him to stand me up. A couple of weeks ago he was really mean, twisting my words on text and making out I was ‘going off on one’. He’s had a number of long term relationships where he’s been cheated on and he admits he wants to be single, doesn’t trust women and thinks I’m trying to trap him into a relationship. Despite this, just last week he replied to one of my texts, chatting until 2am with me. I can’t get him out of my head. Believe me, I’ve tried. The messages are so mixed, although I know he’s obviously put his ‘shutter’ down, what can I do to open it? Please help as I am really struggling to move on. Thanks.

  • Rachel February 26, 2013, 5:18 pm

    Hannah: This is all you need to know: “he wants to be single, doesn’t trust women and thinks I’m trying to trap him into a relationship.” This statement trumps them all. It trumps him being attracted to you. It trumps him responding to texts. Because we can be in these bad places in our heads about relationships and and still want some involvement and attention. He’s using you for the attention. Maybe not intentionally, but that’s what’s happening. Your options: 1.Keep doing what you’re doing and know that it will only be limited and you will never have the relationship you seem to be looking for with him. 2. Cut it off and move on. It’s a hard thing to do. You may wonder in the future about it — maybe things could have worked out. But let me tell you, they are not working in your favor now and that is the only thing you need to know. I’ve dated this guy a million times. It doesn’t end well. Run, do not walk far away from this situation. RUN RUN RUN.

  • Hannah February 26, 2013, 9:17 pm

    I know you’re right – thanks for putting it so gently.

  • Abby May 24, 2013, 7:07 pm

    Hi Rachel!!! I love that I found people with similar situations, I seriously thought I was the only one. :P Welll, I met this guy two months ago, we have only been out once about a month ago. We went dancing, he was great, everything was awesome. He texts almost everyday, in the beginning he used to ask me how my day was going and simple “good morning”….now he just writes “miss u” “thinking of u”…and it’s starting to annoy me. Once, he sent “wish I could see u every night” though DOES NOT ask me on a date or anything. The thing is that, we do not really chat, it’s just short comments, and we’ve sent photos of each other. We live about 35 miles apart, he’s a cop, and has another job aside from that which makes me think, well maybe he is super busy. I don’t know what to think anymore. When we went dancing, it was actually me who asked him if he was available that day, and he right away said yes; he said he’d make time for me. Now, I’m thinking of inviting him somewhere, though his behavior holds me back. :(

  • Rachel May 29, 2013, 8:05 pm

    Abby – YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE. Given that you’ve been out once a month ago and now he’s texting you that he misses you, well that to me is the biggest red flag of all. Why does he miss someone he doesn’t even know? Does he miss the idea of what he thinks you could be?

    I don’t know the “missing you” thing is a dealbreaker. If you really want to hang with him, invite him out. See what happens. Otherwise, I would let this one fall in the bulging relationship category, “Who the hell knows what happened with that?” You don’t have to understand it. You just have to decide to move past it.

    Good luck! xo

  • Leah May 31, 2013, 2:45 am

    Ok I have been talking/hanging out with this guy for 2 months. The first part was great, he persued me, seemed into me texted all the time, saw me often. His ex found out and he changed. He became more distant but continued to text. I confronted him he denied they were back which is true. I do know they talk and I think he maybe seeing other girls??? Idk …he asked me to go out with him the other night then cancelled due to family and never rescheduled . We had set a time I had gotten ready…he attempted to reschedule the next day but I had to work. We have not spoken in almost a week. I want to say something but idk …I want to tell him it was wrong but I don’t want to sound pathetic ….

  • mads June 24, 2013, 1:08 am

    omg you are amazing, i loved this!

  • Daisy July 21, 2013, 9:25 pm

    Ladies, I thought I was the only one in this situation. I won’t bore you with the details of our “relationship” such that it isn’t, but here are the basics: I’m in my late 40s, he’s in his 70s, so age is no factor in this behavior. This whatever-you-want-to-call-it has been going on for about two years. I am recently divorced; in fact, my decision to end my marriage was precipitated by the attention I got from him after having been ignored by my husband for over a decade. I have an advanced degree and have been around the block, but because I got married before the internet became a primary avenue for communication, I really was clueless as to what people do through e-mail and texting. I have recently made it clear that I do not want a pen pal, however he has made it equally clear that he doesn’t give s**t about what I want. I’m not happy about having to cut all communication, but there is no way I’m going to forfeit to him the remaining self-esteemed I salvaged from my loveless marriage. It’s such a shame that he wasn’t the same man as he portrayed himself. Blessings, sisters!

  • Daisy July 21, 2013, 9:58 pm

    Follow-up to my previous post: first of all, I meant to write “self-esteem,” not “self-esteemed.” Second, I e-mailed him (of course, how else do we communicate — certainly not by picking up the phone) and said that I’m moving on and then blocked his e-mail address. Although it’s been a long time coming, I’m very sad about the whole thing. One day at a time. One day at a time.

  • Rachel July 22, 2013, 2:49 pm

    Daisy – Sounds frustrating. It also sounds like you made a good choice for yourself! I think we spend so much time worrying about the other person, we forget to take care of ourselves. Put on your own oxygen mask first! You sound strong and fierce. Go forth! xo Rachel

  • Em July 25, 2013, 5:00 am

    Stumbled upon this blog as i was looking for answers with my own situation! Been talking to this guy for about 3 months (we started off texting). Texted everyday all day for a month until we finally went out! He drove an hour to pick me up, then an hour back to his city where we went out for dinner, then he drove me back home later that night! Totally hit it off and had a great time, we even talked about all the things we would do together for the rest of the summer on the drive home. He then texted me after dropping me off saying AGAIN that he really wanted to see me again. It has now been over a month since that first date and we still havent seen each other (He works full-time and just started an intensive online school program) so I was hesitant to say something but I finally called him out on it a couple weeks ago and he said he still definitely wanted to see me again. But nothing has changed. What do i do now and how do i go about the situation, ugh.

    side note: Im 19, hes 23

  • Daisy July 28, 2013, 2:12 am

    I ain’t so strong and I ain’t so fierce. But it’s been — what — six days since I told him to just leave me alone, and he’s called at least four times and I didn’t answer the phone. NOW he calls — right? I’d be lying if I said it’s been easy but I’ve been coming back to this blog and a couple of others to be reminded ad nauseum that one is treated as one expects to be treated, which has been my anchor and the source for a complete paradigm shift. My efforts at trying to be “a good sport” my whole life has brought me to this point. That he’s a jerk is his problem. Allowing him (or anyone else, for that matter) to be a jerk to me is MY problem and one I need to address and resolve in short order because, as God as my witness, this is NOT going to happen again.

  • Daisy July 29, 2013, 7:07 am

    Just to clarify — I presume he’s called because the number has been blocked and I’ve never previously received calls from a “Private Caller” and the caller has hung up before the machine answered. It would be a very odd coincidence if it were not he. I don’t want to give the impression that I’ve been standing there filing my nails while he’s been calling, identifying himself, and leaving a message asking for a return call.

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